Please go to Parts 1, 2, and 3.

So You’re in Court with a Narcissist.

What to Expect: An Informational Guide.
Part 4

By Jillian M. Tindall, Esq.

All rights reserved.  Portions copyrighted.

WARNING: The Following Information is Not Legal Advice

Any and all information obtained from this document is not, nor is it intended to be, legal advice. The following information is not meant to direct the actions of the person(s) reading/viewing it, and the reader/viewer is directed specifically to never take action on any information provided in this document. Instead, the person reviewing such information should consult a competent attorney in their own jurisdiction for professional legal advice based upon their own specific facts and circumstances. The following consideration points are for the reader’s information only.

Name Change. If you are divorcing, and you want your former name restored, it likely will be easier to request that at the beginning of the proceedings, and again at the trial, rather than waiting until after the decree is entered. Will you need certified copies?

Order Entry. After you obtain a file-stamped copy of the decree, find out the next step. Usually the decree is sent out with a notice of its entry. This is important, because it could trigger timelines for an appeal, request for reconsideration, or request for a new trial. You may want to exercise special caution with mailing or serving the Notice of order entry. If possible, send it with tracking or by certified mail, whatever is acceptable proof of service to the court. Finally, you may find it useful to obtain several certified copies of the decree for your own use, especially if your issues involve transfers of title, a name change, or other aspects requiring certification.

Protecting Yourself. The Narcissist is likely to engage in a smear campaign against you, both to people that you know in common, as well as institutions and the Court. Try to document events as much as possible and expect that the Narcissist may bad-mouth you to school teachers, other school personnel, social acquaintances and he or she may even initiate false reports to Child Protective Services agencies. Be very careful not to lose your cool in front of the Narcissist and do not engage with him or her, and do not defend yourself if the Narcissist wages accusations at you. 

After you file suit, you may want to contact your financial institution, and consider whether it might be necessary to file a Lis Pendens and record it against any property acquired during the marriage but solely in the name of the Narcissist. It is highly advisable to consult with counsel in this regard. You also may want to enroll in credit monitoring, and obtain a credit report prior to the litigation as well as after.

Be especially careful who you talk to about the situation and any pending litigation, because you never know who is going to be a flying monkey for the Narcissist. Be wary of posting anything on social media during this time. Never trust the Narcissist! The Narcissist likely will operate under a vendetta to get even with you for filing or for leaving him or her, and they will do anything or use anyone to further their agenda. You can expect either an enraged response and/or victim playing. Plan in advance how you will respond, and practice grey rock techniques of showing as little emotion as possible, as little communication as possible, and sticking solely to the issues at hand.

Safety may be at issue. Remember, even if you obtain an order of protection it is not bulletproof. It may be best to exercise caution with where you go and what to do, at least for now. Be careful at child exchanges, and keep communication to a minimum, if at all. It may be necessary to conduct child exchanges in a public place where there are witnesses nearby, and/or to use third parties to conduct the exchanges or to the present at exchanges. It also might be a good idea to keep your phone charged and to have backup protection in the form of an extra battery or phone charger on hand.

Secure personal information. Now may be the time to change all passwords on email accounts or to get a new email account, secure computer passwords, PDAs, PIN numbers for bank accounts and credit cards etc. You may want to enroll in credit protection if you believe the Narcissist will try to destroy, or open, credit in your name.

Get it in writing. Narcissists are known liars. If there is an agreement or other negotiation make sure that it is confirmed in writing and try to reduce it to a court order as soon as possible. Do not exchange money or concessions in advance of or in anticipation of any agreements. Secure a written agreement first and file it with the Court.

Continue to document. Unfortunately, simply because you have obtained a decree of custody or decree of divorce does not mean that your battle with the Narcissist is over, far from it. Keep a spiral-bound notebook, and create daily entries of events that may be important later on when the Narcissist violates the Court orders. Note any extra time you may have with the children, dates of support payments, any unusual things the children tell you that the Narcissist has said or done, parenting time no shows, denial of phone calls when the children are with the Narcissist, and anything relevant to enforcement and observance of the Court orders.

Know when to Return to Court.  If the Narcissist isn’t following orders, you may have no option but to take him or her back to Court.  If so, it may be helpful to consider whether you can use the District Attorney or similar agency to enforce orders of support in child support Court, rather than risking going into family Court and risking the judge reconsidering issues of custody and visitation, if you are happy with the Orders.

Keep Wearing the White Hat.  Do not discuss the litigation with your children.  If the Narcissist does, document the time and dated and what the children are reporting. If you return to Court, it may be necessary to have the children interviewed to substantiate the Narcissist’s wrongdoing, or parental alienating behavior.  Though it may be difficult or counterintuitive, responding tactfully to abusive behavior will set an example for your children on how to get along with difficult people.  If the Narcissist’s behavior gets too abusive, you may have take actions to secure your own safety, or the safety and well being of your children. That could mean leaving a situation abruptly, or calling the police.  In each situation, you will have to make an assessment and act accordingly. The key is to act reasonably under the circumstances, and document, document, document.

A Word on Self Care.

Litigation with the Narcissist can seem overwhelming. How will you support and nurture yourself as you go through this process? Have you considered how you will mentally prepare and deal with life as you go through the break up and litigation process? If you haven't, now might be a great time to take stock of how much sleep you require in order to function well, and what it is that you need to stay mentally alert and emotionally stable. For instance, is it possible to have a certain time daily where you can mentally recharge, and assess how things are going? How will you deal with the anxiety of the unknown? Do you have a list of reasons why you are leaving this relationship and what you want for your future? Who is supporting you, and who can you trust?

I hope that the information in this guide has been helpful to the reader. One huge observation I have made over the last 18 years is that litigants that have a clear sense of where they want to be in the future do much better mentally and emotionally, even in the face of the nastiest litigation, for it can provide focus for getting through today, and specific directions for what steps to take to get there, for a better tomorrow.  Good luck!

    Please go to Part 5 for FORTY ITEMS OF INFORMATION HELPFUL IN DOMESTIC LITIGATION.