Please go to Part 1 of this Guide.
So You’re in Court with a Narcissist.
What to Expect: An
Informational Guide.
Part 2
By Jillian M. Tindall,
Esq.
All rights reserved. Portions
copyrighted.
WARNING: The Following Information is Not Legal Advice
Any and all information obtained from this document is not, nor is it
intended to be, legal advice. The following information is not meant to direct
the actions of the person(s) reading/viewing it, and the reader/viewer is
directed specifically to never take action on any information provided in this
document. Instead, the person reviewing such information should consult a
competent attorney in their own jurisdiction for professional legal advice based
upon their own specific facts and circumstances. The following consideration
points are for the reader’s information only.
Orders of Protection. If safety is an issue,
it may be necessary to obtain a restraining order or order of protection. It
might be helpful to check online with your local Court to see whether there is
an application available, and to consider what sort of information the Court
requests in your jurisdiction. The judge reviewing these applications may focus
mainly on recent evidence of abuse and risk of likely harm.
If possible, look at the
application and analyze the information they ask. Are they asking whether the
adverse party put you in fear of imminent danger? If so, is there a specific instance or circumstance that you can
describe? Did the adverse party threaten you? What was said? Did the adverse
party put their hands on you? What specifically happened? If you have text
messages, emails, medical records, police reports, pictures, preferably
date-stamped, of any bruises, holes in the wall, smashed items, or other
damages done by the Narcissist. You might even consider transcribing
threatening voicemail; it might be possible to submit these as exhibits to
your application.
-Is there a history of
physical violence or threats in your
relationship?
-When was the last
abuse or
threats?
-Exactly what happened,
when, where, and how, most recent
first?
-Did this put you in
fear of immanent danger to your life or well being?
-What other events have
happened in this
relationship?
-What documentary
evidence do you have to prove what happened?
Have copies of any
exhibits ready to go with your application. Be specific about what relief you
are requesting, where the adverse party should be prohibited from going, and
the names and ages of children involved, etc. Find out what the process is, and
how long it will take to find out whether or not your application was granted.
If possible, you may want to contact your local domestic violence shelter or
safe house to see if they have a domestic violence advocate who can help you in
the process. In some jurisdictions, if a person is arrested, it may be possible
to apply over the phone for a temporary order of protection while that person
is in custody. The person usually is served in custody and there is a later
protective order hearing to decide whether to extend such an Order.
-Do you understand the
process?
-Do you call them, or
do they call
you?
-How will you know when
there is a later hearing, if
any?
If the application is
granted, find out the process for getting the adverse party served, whether
there will be another hearing to extend the Order, and what your rights and
responsibilities are according to the order. Never violate your own Order by
initiating contact with the Narcissist. It is very important not to go against
the Order and contact the Narcissist, as it may weaken your position in Court
and /or cause you to lose credibility with the judge. Find out in advance what
steps are required to report any violations and report them!
-How will the other
party be
served?
-What happens if the
other party violates the
Order?
-Are you aware of your
rights and responsibilities under this Order?
Keep copies of the
Application and the Order handy, but out of the reach of children. You may seal
a copy of the order in an envelope and keep one in your glove box, one at work,
one in your purse, and anywhere you believe you may need to access the order if
the Narcissist shows up.
Where will you need to keep you Order on
hand?
Are you safeguarding the children from seeing
the Order, and
how?
Behavioral orders. Some Courts in divorce
and custody cases issue standard orders directing the parties to behave in a
certain fashion. They usually include such orders as respecting each other,
refraining from cussing, refraining from obtaining information from the children,
refraining from derogatory comments about the other parent in front of the
children, prohibiting the parties from soliciting information from third
parties, etc. Even if you are granted an order of protection, it may be wise to
request such a behavior order, if it is available from your Court. If it is not
available, it still may be possible to request such an order and you may
consider attaching a draft of such an order to any interim motion as an
exhibit.
-Are Behavioral Orders
available in your Court?
-If so, do you need
one, and what relief you are requesting specifically?
-Is there any other
specific relief you need to
request?
Mediation. Many Courts require
mediation, and they may require it even prior to a hearing. Inquire of the
Court what the process is in your jurisdiction, and follow it. If you attend
mediation, know what your bottom line is and stick to it. Remain calm, and do
not raise your voice. Be businesslike, sticking solely to the topics of custody
and visitation and what is best for the children. It may be helpful for
you to know what you will say in advance to questions of what you typically
have been doing by way of timeshare, celebration of holidays, and other critical
parenting activities.
Have your reasons for
what you want in mind, and have them relate back to the children. For instance,
if the Narcissist is requesting joint physical custody and you have been a
stay-at-home parent, or if your job offers more flexibility to care for the
children, whatever the reason, have stock responses ready and practice them
prior to mediation.
-What is your bottom
line for custody and
visitation?
-What custody schedule
is best for the children and
why?
-What traditionally
have you done by way of child rearing responsibilities and schedules?
-What are your
respective work schedules and
availability?
-What are your stock
responses?
It may be helpful to consider all of the Monday holidays,
birthdays, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and any
special religious holidays that are important to you. Figure this out in
advance and know beforehand what it is you will be requesting, including
vacation provisions, and any special provisions you would request for legal
custody, such as insisting that neither parent will abuse alcohol 24 hours
prior to Parenting Time with the children and other important issues.
If domestic violence has
been an issue, note that down on the form that you used to sign up for
mediation if possible. Some jurisdictions offer what is referred to as
"shuttle mediation," where the parties remain in different rooms and
the mediator shuttles back and forth as the negotiations proceed. Some
jurisdictions allow attorneys to attend with litigants, so if you are going to
hire counsel, consider having your attorney attend with you if it is
permissible.
-Is shuttle mediation
necessary, and if so, is it available?
-Are attorneys
permitted to attend, and do you want to hire one to go with
you?
Discovery. Discovery is the
process of requesting and furnishing information between litigants. If you are
litigating with a Narcissist, it is fairly safe to assume that he or she is not
going to cooperate with providing documents and information. It will be necessary
to gather as much documentation as you can, subpoena information if necessary,
such as financial institutions and workplaces for employment records and
retirement information. It may be possible to obtain tax records directly from
the IRS. In any respect, it will be important to make your requests as soon as
you can, because you likely will have to motion the court to have the
Narcissist held in contempt for refusing to provide the information requested.
At
the end of this guide, you will find a listing of 40 classes of information that will be
helpful in litigating against the Narcissist. Make copies and keep them in a
safe place. If necessary, determine whether you can scan such documentation and
upload it to a private secret email address, and you may want to consider
deleting such information from any other email addresses you used to send it to
the designated email, if it is possible that the Narcissist is monitoring your
computer and email.
-What information will
be helpful in your case?
-What information do
you possess already?
-Can any of this
information be obtained via Subpoena or some legal third party means?
-What information will
you be furnishing to the Narcissist or his or her attorney?
If you have the funds,
your attorney may want to depose the Narcissist and any witnesses he or she may
name. Bottom line, do not expect cooperation in the discovery process and
gather as much documentation and evidence as possible on your own. Finally, have
proof of when the Narcissist was served with the discovery requests and a clear
deadline for such information to be provided, because chances are you will have
to request the Court to make an order compelling compliance.
Please go to Part 3.
